October 9, 2009
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.” – G. B. Shaw
So the pilot said to air traffic control and air traffic control said to the pilot ….
1) Control Tower Flight XXX for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.
Pilot Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?
Control Tower Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
2) From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue –
Unknown Aircraft I’m F##king bored.
Control Tower Last aircraft transmitting identify yourself immediately.
Unknown Aircraft I said I was f##king bored, not f##king stupid!
3) Control Tower Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on frequency 124.7.
Eastern 702 Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway
Control Tower Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?
Continental 635 Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.
4) Allegedly while taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming – US Air 2771 where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway. You turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D but get it right. Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew she was now shouting hysterically – God! Now you’ve screwed everything up. It’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that US Air 2771? – US Air 2771? Yes ma’am the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell very silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
5) A Difficult Landing – This airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a – ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline’.
An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard. In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he
thought that a passenger would have a smart comment. However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’ Why no Ma’am, said the pilot what is it, the little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’
6) A BA 747 pilot had waited for takeoff clearance for 45 minutes. A German 737 was cleared immediately. The BA pilot asked the tower why the German aircraft had been given clearance at once. Before the tower could reply, the German pilot came back with “Because I got up very early this morning and put a towel on the runway.”
7) It was a sunny day in Korso, Finland and a FinnAir MD-11 was moving towards runway 22L
Finn MD Tower, those photographers should be moved from their place.
Tower They have permission
Fin MD They really should be removed
Tower They really have permission
Fin MD We are lined up on runway 22L. Remove those photographers
Tower For the last time they have permission so will not be removed
Fin MD Tower, Ok then. Will be flying to Beijing and those boys will fly to Korso!
8) Tower Mission 123, do you have any problems?
Pilot I think I’ve lost my compass
Tower Judging by the way you’re flying you’ve lost the whole instrument panel.
9) Tower CRX600, are you on course to SUL?
Pilot More or less
Tower So proceed a little more to SUL
10) Female terminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: “Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks.”
11) Tower ….and for your information you were slightly to the left of the centreline of that approach
Speedbird That’s correct, and my first officer was slightly to the right
12) Tower USA 353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60
Tower USA 353 contact Cleveland Centre 135.60
Tower USA 353 – you’re just like my wife, you never listen
Pilot Centre, this is USA 553, maybe if you called her by the right name you’d get a better response.
13) Tower FAR 1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an airbus 330 or 340?
Pilot A340 of course
Tower Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute please.
14) Pilot FLX 30 we just have a few gallons of fuel
Tower Please give us your position we don’t see you on the radar
Pilot We are standing at runway 2 and want to know when the fuel truck will come.
15) Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after takeoff radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158, own navigation read back.
GAF 269 Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after takeoff radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil.
16) ATIS stands for ‘Automated Terminal Information Service’ which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, ‘Information Alpha… Bravo, Charlie…etc. At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the ‘Information so-and-so’ identifier when they make their initial radio call.
Scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and ‘Information Hotel’ was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn’t too sharp, but he didn’t let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.
Approach Mooney 33W, confirm you have ‘Hotel.’
Mooney 33W Uhhhmm, we’re flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don’t have a hotel room yet.
After that, Approach was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went something like this call to United 583 (which didn’t make it any easier to stop laughing)…
Approach United 583, descend to Flight Level 220.
United 583 United 583, down to Flight Level 220. We don’t have a hotel room, either.
17) Heard from the radio at EFHK (Helsinki, Finland) – A MD-80 was holding short of runway 22 during the rush-hour.
Tower XXX123, are you ready for immediate?
Tower XXX123, roger, cleared for IMMEDIATE takeoff runway 22, wind XXX at XX
XXX123 cleared for immediate 22.
So the MD-80 taxies to a position and stops…
Tower XXX123, you going or not?
XXX123 Yes yes, we’re going in a moment.
Tower If you would had rear-view mirrors in that plane of yours, you would’ve taken off five minutes ago.
18) Tower Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiway
AZA Ali345 Taxi 26 Left A via Tango. Workers checked – all are working.
19) Aurora Moncton, TRIALS08 we’ll be working VFR at 4,500, loitering over the city of Saint John for about the next 10-15 minutes. We’d like radar flight following.
CZQM TRIALS08 roger your radar identified. Are you aware the city has bylaws against loitering?
Aurora Ah… roger that.
20) Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed…
PAO 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
XX Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria Umm, Tower, there’s a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
XX 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard: